Superstitions

In times of elevated stress I have been known to try to tip fate's scales in my direction by trying to manipulate my physical environment. I have looked around me and tried not to repeat anything that surrounds me during moments that have been traumatic. At it's most tame, it's like wearing a lucky shirt but at it's worst it can be like an OCD person making sure things are just so to keep the universe from coming apart at the seams.

Back in 1999, there was a terrible day while I worked in my son's ballet studio office. I came running when someone yelled for me that something was wrong and saw my son lying in a crumpled mass on the studio floor. His body was lying at a really odd angle and for the longest second of my life, I thought he was dead. He soon shifted a little to his side when one of his class mates became hysterical seeing the twisted angle at which his leg stuck out. His knee was dislocated and, because of it's shape, the patella was stuck near the side of his leg. This was a horrible moment that I will never forget and never wanted to repeat. I could never again wear the same sweater I wore on 12/2, it felt like I would be tempting fate to do so.

When he had an almost identical injury with his other leg four months later, it got worse for me. Although his first injury hadn't required surgery, the recovery had been difficult over those months. I was a nervous wreck and irrationally started looking for coincidences that linked the events. Both times he hadn't really been focusing on what he was doing, he was goofing around to a certain extent, pushing his limits as teen athletes will do. I became extreme in demanding that he never lose focus as to repeat any injuries. Another thing I fixated on was the date, 4/4. For some reason I started to dread dates like 5/5 or 6/6. Wasn't 12/2 pretty much the same thing? The patterns and coincidences haunted me sometimes.

The final year he lived at home was stressful on a lot of levels. His training was progressing to a level of competency that was difficult to accommodate outside of a school geared to training professionals. This caused frustration and urgency that he secure a scholarship in a prestigious school and remain injury free while doing so. It was his hard work that got him just that, all of my superstitious angst was certainly wasted energy.

Years passed and my son secured the job with the company he had always wanted to be in. Living a dream, lesser injuries came and went along with the frustrations of each. Over the last few years I learned to take things in stride more or less. When we got a phone call last night, it was not to the normally cheerful son we know. He had seriously dislocated his right knee again at work. This time he is surrounded by the best dance orthopedic surgeons, dance therapy and dance medicine in the country because of where he works. He is also supported by a close network of friends and people.

It is upsetting for us not knowing what the doctors will tell him today and frustrating on his part knowing, no matter what is determined, he has a lot physical therapy lying ahead of him. Although he knows I will be there for him if he needs me, he assures me things are fine at the moment. He doesn't want to be an inconvenience to anyone and is trying to take care of himself.

So where is my head at? Do I worry that he should have been more focused to have prevented injuring? Yeah, but there isn't to much I can do about that. As to the date, 12/12, I can't do too much about that either.