The beginning of November 2009 was a low point for me. After a couple of years of sitting much more idle that I had been used to (along with general aging) I set myself up for and incurred a pretty bad injury. I injured my back just before a camping trip with very active friends.
I can remember being so depressed about the injury (and re-injury a couple weeks later) over the next few months. I was constantly sitting with a heating pad on my back. I missed a friend's birthday party and I was very worried about how I was going to be able to attend my son's wedding. Standing for periods of time were difficult, walking the streets of New York City were even harder and doing it in dress shoes was excruciating.
I healed and gained strength as December progressed but as the new calendar year approached I still had terrible fatigue in my lower back after walking only a mile. Family and some friends were very kind in celebrating our 25th anniversary but leave it to the tradition of New Year's resolutions to kick me into gear. In the dead of winter, I got myself out of the house every other morning for at least a 1/2 hour of cardio work. I am proud to say this has been able to continue to date.
Along with poor general physical fitness I also started to make a real effort to banish a lot of cynical attitudes I had taken on. I had been terribly embarrassed, months before I injured my back, when I accidentally sent a harsh and assumptive email to the person I was writing about instead of the person I was ranting to. I apologized, sincerely, and hoped they understood. Privately, I have never forgiven myself for immediately assuming wrongly about someone and still use it as incentive to keep my mouth shut and think carefully before thinking or writing. As Thumper's mother said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."
I haven't been as successful with working out other unhealthy patterns. I have a lot less control over actions of those around me than I do with myself. Removing myself from negative situations doesn't always work out. I am doing my best to examine how I seem to get overly enthusiastic about hobbies, interests, friendships, and topics only to have them blow up in my face. As a wise Raven frequently reminds me, "Everything in moderation, even moderation."
The warmer months this year brought on new challenges which I feel I met head on. I was prepared for being guardedly more healthy without unrealistic expectations. Some challenges, the physical ones, I took in stride and accepted my limitations and even failures. Many interpersonal challenges I thought I would have to deal with never really presented themselves. Once I was prepared to try to communicate with a friend with whom I had lost touch but the moment didn't allow for it. I resigned myself to let it pass and move on.
During the summer I think I failed most with trying to breathe life back into some of my interests which had waned. Partly is was because the time was filled with so many other wonderful moments with family. Another factor was a general clashing of ethics that made it very easy to back away from the reoccurring disappointment.
As the wheel turned to Autumn, despite some noise from an old toxic friendship or two, I have been very excited to have found a nice balance. Part of this was getting up to date with a physical and all of the follow up testing that was required. I am pleased to know that all of my physical quirks, like my heart, are all things I can deal with. My doctor assured me that I had no physical limitations. For the first time in about a decade I feel like I have a handle on things for myself.
I have less time to invest in things that don't benefit myself and family. It feels good to share gratitude with those who have supported me rather than pouring endless energy into activities, groups or individuals that felt like an emotional abyss or vortex sucking away my life's energy. I am still enthusiastic about activities but am not whole hearted into becoming a part of any group associated with them. I appreciate many people but realize I often don't make a very good friend because have a habit of feeding into very unbalanced friendships.
I have had more victories than failures this year and can look back on my choices with satisfaction. I apologize to anyone who has been neglected or been left in the wake of this personal transition. I am sorry to let some hobbies go but the time and energy that has been freed up has more easily allowed me and my family to flourish. I will try to be mindful of this next year and hope to enjoy the same satisfaction again.
