I’m But a Stranger Here

Rest in peace, Aunt Esther. The memories I have of you are warm and fond.

I’m But a Stranger Here

I’m but a stranger here,
Heaven is my home;
Earth is a desert drear,
Heaven is my home;
Danger and sorrow stand
Round me on every hand;
Heaven is my fatherland,
Heaven is my home.

What though the tempest rage,
Heaven is my home;
Short is my pilgrimage,
Heaven is my home;
And time’s wintry blast
Soon shall be over past;
I shall reach home at last,
Heaven is my home.

Therefore I murmur not,
Heaven is my home;
Whatever my earthly lot,
Heaven is my home;
And I shall surely stand
There at my Lord’s right hand.
Heaven is my fatherland,
Heaven is my home.

Group Hug!

The men in this household need to stick together.

I can haz Peanutz?

nomnomnom, kthxbai

Scary Seven Mountains Wine Cellars

Fricken scary Mrs. Lovette!

Inside Seven Mountains Wine Cellars. A Halloween Party!

Mrs. Lovette serving up some hot meat pies! YOW!

Her customers!

Into the (bat) cave.

Adopted casks making the wine. BatMan over sees when not wasting his time making stupid ass video games.

Pee Wee Herman! He really did his dance! Honestly!

A cockroach in my white wine!

Gomez and Morticia Adams communing at their private table.

The ghoulish couple at the wine tasting station. They loved the Cab/Sauv.

Poe Paddy Troubadours with guest John Maninno on mouth organ.

Lazy Samhain Sunday

Three cats snooze as their "Frank" enjoys Dr. Sacks' new book on a lazy Halloween afternoon.

"Millie" interrupted with the flashing-clicker-box. "Maybe she will give us treats!"

The Passing of a Good Year

Here I am on Samhain (summer's end), reflecting on the solar year. Samhain is the Wiccan New Year and the Feast of the Dead. It is a time to honor and to say goodbye to loved ones who have passed on, especially if their deaths have occurred within the last year. Samhain is also a time for reflecting upon the last year, making plans for the upcoming one, and especially for banishing weaknesses or other undesired qualities within us.

The beginning of November 2009 was a low point for me. After a couple of years of sitting much more idle that I had been used to (along with general aging) I set myself up for and incurred a pretty bad injury. I injured my back just before a camping trip with very active friends.

I can remember being so depressed about the injury (and re-injury a couple weeks later) over the next few months. I was constantly sitting with a heating pad on my back. I missed a friend's birthday party and I was very worried about how I was going to be able to attend my son's wedding. Standing for periods of time were difficult, walking the streets of New York City were even harder and doing it in dress shoes was excruciating.

I healed and gained strength as December progressed but as the new calendar year approached I still had terrible fatigue in my lower back after walking only a mile. Family and some friends were very kind in celebrating our 25th anniversary but leave it to the tradition of New Year's resolutions to kick me into gear. In the dead of winter, I got myself out of the house every other morning for at least a 1/2 hour of cardio work. I am proud to say this has been able to continue to date.

Along with poor general physical fitness I also started to make a real effort to banish a lot of cynical attitudes I had taken on. I had been terribly embarrassed, months before I injured my back, when I accidentally sent a harsh and assumptive email to the person I was writing about instead of the person I was ranting to. I apologized, sincerely, and hoped they understood. Privately, I have never forgiven myself for immediately assuming wrongly about someone and still use it as incentive to keep my mouth shut and think carefully before thinking or writing. As Thumper's mother said, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

I haven't been as successful with working out other unhealthy patterns. I have a lot less control over actions of those around me than I do with myself. Removing myself from negative situations doesn't always work out. I am doing my best to examine how I seem to get overly enthusiastic about hobbies, interests, friendships, and topics only to have them blow up in my face. As a wise Raven frequently reminds me, "Everything in moderation, even moderation."

The warmer months this year brought on new challenges which I feel I met head on. I was prepared for being guardedly more healthy without unrealistic expectations. Some challenges, the physical ones, I took in stride and accepted my limitations and even failures. Many interpersonal challenges I thought I would have to deal with never really presented themselves. Once I was prepared to try to communicate with a friend with whom I had lost touch but the moment didn't allow for it. I resigned myself to let it pass and move on.

During the summer I think I failed most with trying to breathe life back into some of my interests which had waned. Partly is was because the time was filled with so many other wonderful moments with family. Another factor was a general clashing of ethics that made it very easy to back away from the reoccurring disappointment.

As the wheel turned to Autumn, despite some noise from an old toxic friendship or two, I have been very excited to have found a nice balance. Part of this was getting up to date with a physical and all of the follow up testing that was required. I am pleased to know that all of my physical quirks, like my heart, are all things I can deal with. My doctor assured me that I had no physical limitations. For the first time in about a decade I feel like I have a handle on things for myself.

I have less time to invest in things that don't benefit myself and family. It feels good to share gratitude with those who have supported me rather than pouring endless energy into activities, groups or individuals that felt like an emotional abyss or vortex sucking away my life's energy. I am still enthusiastic about activities but am not whole hearted into becoming a part of any group associated with them. I appreciate many people but realize I often don't make a very good friend because have a habit of feeding into very unbalanced friendships.

I have had more victories than failures this year and can look back on my choices with satisfaction. I apologize to anyone who has been neglected or been left in the wake of this personal transition. I am sorry to let some hobbies go but the time and energy that has been freed up has more easily allowed me and my family to flourish. I will try to be mindful of this next year and hope to enjoy the same satisfaction again.

Elk Creek Cafe

Trick or Treat!

If we get any kids tonight they will get a cool treat.

I just painted the front window in a fun and colorful way. The moon is in glow in the dark paint, I hope it looks cool tonight.

I tried not to make it too intimidating from the street level. I am not unrealistic in knowing things like barking dogs can make a family decide not to come to the door.

Thoughts from the Road - #1028

This morning was my first easy go since Sunday's half that really beat me up. Being the second morning that my knees aren't swollen (they were a little last night) I set out on this beautiful morning just before Samhain. Businesses were barely waking and I even beat the school buses.

Bald Eagle Ridge was lighted with the low golden sunrise of a 7:45 Autumn morning. It filtered the colors in a way that the purples and deep deep blues in the shadows gave splendid contrast to the changing leaves and evergreen hues. When stick-in-the mud type teachers hand out crayons and markers for doing Autumn leaves they forget to encourage those cooler colors too!

Autumn is a broad palate of colors, varied sounds and amazing smells. I enjoyed them all, even the more garbagey ones behind WalMart that help balance it all out. It made for a nice run which ended all too soon. The route, one that I mixed with flat and hills, included much of what I first started with in January. It's funny how areas I used to consider and uphill or downhill are pretty much level to me now. It's also funny that when I am trying to have a slow easy run I can still get close to a 10 minute mile. It's a far cry from the 13+ minute mile I started with months ago.

The route was under 3 miles and I hardly broke a sweat. It was just what I needed to prove that I didn't mess up my body to never be able to run again. The blisters are almost healed and a couple more days I will be able to stretch out a little more. It's odd not to have a goal but it may also me a good thing for my recovery right now.

Dry Valley Half Photos

Grace gave me some photos yesterday and I wanted to share them. Before and after the Dry Valley Half Marathon this past October 2010.

Dry Valley... Pikermi!?

Now you get it, Dry Valley Half Marathon was yesterday. I had run the last 10 miles of the course a couple of weeks ago and really enjoyed it. I had a nice pace and the hills weren't so challenging that I was dreading them, just aware of them.

The hardest parts of the race yesterday were the late start time, 1:30PM, and the fact that it was an unseasonably warm day. Lewistown's high yesterday was 74°. When you are running long distance it feels like it's 20° warmer. You can do the math and my feet took the brunt of the heat from the asphalt and started to blister about half way through the race.

The heat, the blisters, the "dry valley" were all challenges and I really felt it. For the first time since maybe March I actually had to take walk breaks during my long run. That was so mentally discouraging that I was shocked that my finish time was less than 2 minutes off of my PR (personal record).

My knees are a bit swollen, my blisters are re-inflating time to time but my muscles are feeling much better after a night's sleep. My over all therapy has included chocolate chip cookies, a congratulatory gift from my mother-in-law. My super ugly and painful feet now look a lot better with bright indigo nail polish. It covers up where I have 1/2 a toenail on my one foot and a bruised nail on my other. This was another perfect finish line gift from my Dad & Mom.

Thanks to all who gave me support before and during the race. Seeing Jimmy-the-eye at mile 12 with a bottle of water was a godsend and I am sorry I missed the awesome chalk drawings he left on the bridge I crossed. I was too busy looking for pot holes since I could hardly lift my feet.

I finished about 38th of about 50. My biggest victory of the day was not asking Jimmy-the-eye to drive me the last mile back to the parking lot. That's a hard thing to suppress when you have stomach cramps and are just wanting it all to be over.

I really liked the race except for the heat and time of day. I would also encourage volunteers not to be shy about lending encouragement. Shy cross country running teens who mutter "good job" as they are texting friends don't quite convince me that they are rooting for me. Huge kudos to Jimmy-the-eye for standing for hours and being a cheerleader for the 37 who passed before me. They didn't get a water hand out but they got his heartfelt encouragement. I bet he was the best out there and I know they loved seeing his Pikermi chalk art. Go, Go Go!

true indigo

Multiple times this week I had to explain what I mean by "true indigo." I found an interview with Dr. Oliver Sacks with Wired Magazine. His story, first heard by me heard elsewhere on a 1998 episode of The Mind Traveler , was my inspiration and definition:

Wired: You write that there was a time in med school when you took a lot of amphetamines. What's the most vivid experience of music you ever had on drugs?

Sacks: Hume wondered whether one can imagine a color that one has never encountered. One day in 1964, I constructed a sort of pharmacological mountain, and at its peak, I said, "I want to see indigo, now!" As if thrown by a paintbrush, a huge, trembling drop of purest indigo appeared on the wall — the color of heaven. For months after that, I kept looking for that color. It was like the lost chord.

Then I went to a concert at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. In the first half, they played the Monteverdi Vespers, and I was transported. I felt a river of music 400 years long running from Monteverdi's mind into mine. Wandering around during the interval, I saw some lapis lazuli snuffboxes that were that same wonderful indigo, and I thought, "Good, the color exists in the external world." But in the second half I got restless, and when I saw the snuffboxes again, they were no longer indigo — they were blue, mauve, pink. I've never seen that color since.

It took a mountain of amphetamine, mescaline, and cannabis to launch me into that space. But Monteverdi did it too.

Brava Amy Chen!

A very nice review here.

No Kraut, No Kimchi

When cabbages are expensive or late, tasty homemade delicacies are put off for the year. Korea and Central PA are in a similar... pickle.

Whistler of the North

I just heard my first White-throated Sparrow of the season! Welcome back to the whistlers of the north!

First Frost

It took scraping off good Nephthys' windshields this morning. Check your pumpkins, you may have frost this morning!

Osage October

Look up when you are out and about this time of year and watch for Osage Oranges dangling from above. They gave me a smile as I was running to the top of a grueling hill this afternoon.

10 on 10/10/10

The last 10 miles of the Dry Valley Half were my long run today.

Dry Valley Half Marathon

Next race is the Dry Valley Half Marathon.

I Completed a Half Marathon

I am not an elite runner. I am not a fast runner. It's still hard for me most of the time to think of myself as a runner at all. I open with these thoughts because it's hard to begin posting my accomplishments knowing that there is a very small slice of my blog readership who readily choose to pass judgement, see the negative side of everything and tear me and others down for reasons I can only guess. Some may call it paranoia but it's really called a Stat Counter that pinpoints who is reading our blogs and from where. Correction, reading my blog, not "mine and my husband's"... just mine. These are people who know Jim and me equally have called me inhumane or say I have questionable ethics in situations where they are most clearly out of line and in the wrong.

Along with the endurance I have built in running I am doing my best to feel good about my accomplishments without letting the cattiness that I know exists in the world get the better of me. I know that when some (a very few some) see my photos or read my entries they say and think things like, "If I had all that extra time I could __________." or "Look at that poochy stomach, she isn't fit all." or "What hidden agenda is really behind this entry?" To those who are looking to find fault in the world, question my words, motives or activities please start looking elsewhere. My blog is about my pursuit of true indigo and "pursuit" is the key word. I have no answers for anyone who is looking to read about anything else. Short of making this blog by accessible by invitation only, all I can say is that there nothing more for you to see here folks, goodbye.

Now that I have banished the foolish demons who seem to say, "so what", "big deal", "get a life", "get a job", "What does this have to do with ______?" I will start the real substance of this entry, I COMPLETED A HALF MARATHON! How often does anyone get to use the words "I completed" and "marathon" in the same sentence!? Oh, I am grinning widely as I sit here with slightly swollen knees and an overall acheyness.

I finished the Diva Half-Marathon in 2 hours and 19 minutes. For anyone that likes comparisons to how elite runners fair (now that I have encouraged that anyone reading this should be interested in how cool it is and not to prove how amazingly slow I am), my finish time is pretty much the record for women's FULL marathon. The world record for women was set by Paula Radcliffe of Great Britain in the London Marathon on April 13, 2003, in 2 hours 15 minutes and 25 seconds. Just to continue to freely string vaguely related thoughts together, congratulations to Paula Radcliffe who had her baby boy this past Goose Day!

Heather William's winning time yesterday was 1:24:46. I think I saw her close to her 8th mile when the route kissed and I was just past my 4th mile. It was so crazy inspiring to see the top runners crossing over this long bridge that passed over the Meadowbrook Parkway as we ran on the same bridge in the opposite directions. I know it was a discouraging sight to some women around me. I thought it was great and I made my way to the right to yell encouragement over to the top runners as they (seemingly) effortlessly made their way into their final 5 miles.

My goal was to try to come in before 2 1/2 hours. The course cut off was 3 1/2 hours and when I first considered signing up I was still really uncertain that I could even make that time. I crunched a few numbers, projected my pace at what I knew I could run at the time, factored in walking time for what was yet unknown and I was still getting about 3 hours. With 11 weeks to train, I decided to sign up.

The amount of time and effort training took impacted my life a little more that I hoped it would. During the time A&A visited I had to pass on joining them for a few activities that fell after my "long" runs. Walking the Grange Fair ended up pushing my limit because my ham string was a bit of a problem at that time. I passed on strolling through the bi-annual Antique Machinery Show and flea market because the only morning I could schedule in my last 12 miler (a commitment of well over 2 hours at the time) was the only day everyone else could go. As I sat at home recovering I got a call from my mother-in-law. We both commiserated that neither of us was up to walking the long and bumpy route of the flea market. My reason was the self-inflicted work out, hers is advanced Parkinson's disease.

Logging over 20 miles most weeks was new for me but the hard part was the taper that lead up to the race. The final week I hardly ran at all; 9 miles split out over 6 days. It allowed time for self-doubt and a lot of introspection. I had to have faith that I trained properly and the week of rest was going to allow my to do my best on race day. It really worked out for me and a real highlight was the day before the race. I ran a gentle 3 mile jog through Eisenhower Park with the man I love.

To those of you with whom I have talked, shared emails and IM chats about running, get medical ok and DO IT. Do it slowly, do it with a stroller, do it with a dog you can control, do it with a stability walker. Do it for a minute, do it for an hour. I found that I need a bit of structure like a training plan to help me stick to it but tried to allow flexibility in case life got in the way. You may prefer to just run when you feel like it for as long as feels right. I run alone for the most part. I like working through my inner demons and the private self improvement time to just sweat. You may like running with a buddy or a group. I also need a goal, a training program that progressed to an end was a goal. A run of 8k became my next goal. Then I set my sights on a 5k fund raiser then a 10k run. It was then, in early July, I found I could slowly run 7 miles without stopping. I was on track for a rookie training program for a 1/2 marathon. Oh yeah, yesterday I completed a half marathon.

The race itself was more of a party than a race. The route was a little boring in some places but about every mile they had DJs blasting songs like, "It's Raining Men," "Material Girl," "Hot Stuff" and my fricken favorite (as I downed Ibuprofen at the 9 mile mark) "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." Cheesy stereotypical diva disco music it was and it made for a LOT of fun if taken in the right spirit.

I went into the event knowing that the glitz was a big part of it and instead of saying, "This is so stupid" or "I hate pink" I went prepared for it all. I laughed at the tutus, tiaras and costumes other women wore and took my own special purple feather boa to swap the pink one they adorned me with for the final mile of the run. I did my best to encourage those around me and that kept my heart light.

I may not be what some (demons!) call a runner but I can tell you I have run long and hard away from participating in catty attitudes, name calling and snide comments about others. Running has empowered me to feel accomplished and good about myself and others with whom I have to live in this society.

My running is mainly a solo activity and I am still introverted. I can't bring myself to many group functions but when I do I am much more frequently at ease. Instead of glowering from a corner and putting down everyone I see, I do what I can and try to see the good. It makes me a heck of a lot happier person to surround myself with people and activities that can stay positive. Running has really been one of those activities.

Thinking of the competition aspect of being in a race, I am so slow that the only thing I am competing against is the myself. I am trying to have a good if not better pace for myself in a race. This is a big change from when I was a little girl and could outrun every other girl my age (and most of the boys) in the county but that is a story for another blog entry. My views of competition are wary ones but I have found a way to enter races without as much stress as I had imagined.

In a race, the momentum of the crowd carries me. The distractions of the runner's costumes allows me to not worry if I will complete the race. The road itself throws in potholes to keep me aware. I am trying to complete a run not win a race. If I have energy at the end, I always have had, I really start moving. I want to cross the final steps with life and joy in my heart. I may pass other runners or be passed but it's not about them other than using them as landmarks or distractions. I am selfishly running in a group.

Running like a diva was strange but a fun diversion. I mugged for cameras and allowed myself to be a fool. I flounced a little with the HOT pink feather boa and tiara I picked up at mile 12 until it got annoying and hot at mile 12.5. I knew my dear family was waiting with my purple feather boa and I would follow through with my planned "gear swap."

The finish line welcomed my pounded feet as I raised my arms in victory. The chip sensor on my sneaker allowed the MC to read my name and location to the crowd. I crossed out of the paparazzi zone and on to claim my medal, champagne and lovely rose from smiling firemen. Yes, they were buff but none were shirtless on this chilly breezy morning.

I met up with my family who gave me amazing purple flowers. I gave my perfect rose to A Rose by Any Other Name because I was SO appreciative of the support she and her husband have given me this year. I then busted a move of victory at the Luna tent. After looking for another friend and anything else to do, we all decided to pack it up and have lunch on Manhattan.

Today is glum and rainy and it's hard for me to move even 5 feet. It's a good day to blog and do household chores. I am cold and stiff but still filled with a wonderful optimism that allowed me to hobble outside to see a flock of 35 geese winging their way south. Autumn has taken a firm hold and I am satisfied. I completed a half marathon.